Gulf Oil Spill from Space (NASA)

Brothers and Sisters,
Oil spill is bleeding Mother Earth- prayers needed! Here is an image I found from NASA…the oil spill takes on the shape of a horse. And in sychronicity, the following:

This message is from the Peace Chief of the Lakota Oyate, Arvol Looking Horse:

May 12, 2010

A Great Urgency: To
All World Religious and Spiritual Leaders

My Relatives,

Time has come to speak to the hearts of our Nations and
their Leaders. I ask you this from the bottom of my heart, to come
together from the Spirit of your Nations in prayer.

We, from the heart of Turtle Island, have a great message for the World; we are guided
to speak from all the White Animals showing their sacred color, which have
been signs for us to pray for the sacred life of all things. As I am
sending this message to you, many Animal Nations are being threatened,
those that swim, those that crawl, those that fly, and the plant Nations,
eventually all will be affect from the oil disaster in the Gulf.

The dangers we are faced with at this time are not of spirit.
The catastrophe that has happened with the oil spill which looks like the
bleeding of Grandmother Earth, is made by human mistakes, mistakes
that we cannot afford to continue to make.

I ask, as Spiritual Leaders, that we join together, united in prayer with the whole of our
Global Communities. My concern is these serious issues will continue to
worsen, as a domino effect that our Ancestors have warned us of in their
Prophecies.

I know in my heart there are millions of people that
feel our united prayers for the sake of our Grandmother Earth are long
overdue. I believe we as Spiritual people must gather ourselves and
focus our thoughts and prayers to allow the healing of the many wounds
that have been inflicted on the Earth.

As we honor the Cycle of Life, let us call for Prayer circles globally to assist in healing
Grandmother Earth (our Unc¹I Maka).

We ask for prayers that the oil spill, this bleeding, will stop. That the winds stay calm to assist in the
work. Pray for the people to be guided in repairing this mistake, and that
we may also seek to live in harmony, as we make the choice to change the
destructive path we are on.

As we pray, we will fully understand that we are all connected. And that what
we create can have lasting effects on all life.

So let us unite spiritually, All Nations, All Faiths, One Prayer. Along with this immediate effort,
I also ask to please remember June 21st, World Peace and Prayer Day/Honoring Sacred
Sites day. Whether it is a natural site, a temple, a church, a synagogue
or just your own sacred space, let us make a prayer for all life, for good
decision making by our Nations, for our children’s future and well-being,
and the generations to come.

Onipikte (that we shall
live),

Chief Arvol Looking Horse
19th generation Keeper of the
Sacred White Buffalo Calf Pipe
http://www.Wolakota.org

Since the
early 90’s, Chief Looking Horse has been on the Board of the Society of
Peace of Prayer that plants Peace Poles around the world, carrying the
inscription “May Peace Prevail on Earth” in four different
languages. His biography can be found at http://arvollookinghorse.homestead.com/chief_arvol_bio_2001.html

Please
pass this message along….

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It is my belief that all persons re-locating to the city of Boulder, Colorado from “elsewhere” should be required to take a battery of tests to determine their eligibility for living here.  I have gone to the trouble to create a list of requirements for you out-of-towners, out of my infinite compassion for your situation. Don’t take this lightly, it’s a serious boulder survival guide. Not heeding my words could cause your ruin, a flat tire on your audi, or deportation back to California.

1. Take a Colorado winter driving course

Anyone who wants to move here from another state, especially one south of the old mason-dixon line (California, among others), should take a winter driving course. Those of us who know how to drive in the snow and ice are annoyed as hell when you pull out in front of us in your mini-van, going like 4 miles and hour. It’s actually a very dangerous situation, needing to apply the brakes quickly in snow conditions. I should inform you that some of us have had titanium brush gaurds and cement bumpers installed on our vehicles, just to “protect ourselves”.

2. Quit the Republican Party

Even though boulder is known as the “people’s republic”, we don’t need any more republicans. Go tea bag yourselves elsewhere. Longmont will have you. We are attempting, at least, to move away from the narcissistic, self serving culture we live in. And stop dissing Obama just because he is trying to change all the shitty things about this country, like poverty and poor accountability. He sucks way less than you do, or your dumb-ass Governator, or your criminally dipshit poster-girl Sarah Palin. As illustrated on the left, McCain has 7 houses, 13 cars, and a plane. Obama has a house, a car, and a fucking bicycle. Represent.

“Live simply so that other may simply live”.  -Somebody Wise

3. Learn to Meditate

I'm not such an asshole. I am not such an asshole. Om.

This is a perfect one for you if you are moving here from a fast paced environment like, say, California. California used to be like Colorado was 20 years ago, about 50 years ago. Manifest destiny has seemingly bounced off the Pacific ocean and rebounded upon the rocky mountains as waves of  chaff. Boulder made its reputation on a place to meditate, to get away from the fast paced lifestyle. Now it is becoming fast paced.  It’s impossible to get where you’re going faster. You might be able to get there better, though. Chillax. At the Boulder Shambala Center, they provide open meditation free to the public every day of the week.

4. Learn to Climb Rocks, Snowboard, Paraglide or Something!

My buddy Marc, on a belay ledge high above Boulder...

If you are going to benefit from Boulder, Colorado in any real, deep ecology way, you need to learn to interact with the environment when it is extreme. If you keep facing it on your own terms, you will never get the point. Adventure means to step outside of your normal limits. If you choose rock climbing, say, get a good mountain guide, or preferably have a friend who’s been at it for a while. . To learn to climb, call my friends over at Boulder Rock  Club, or just drop in. You can get awesome snowboard instruction at Eldora, our local ski hill. Paragliding is a little more involved, but not much. Have at it!

5. Make way for bike riders and other alternative transit oddities

You need to learn that the bike paths on the side of the road are an indication to drivers that they are in fact sharing the road with bikers. I have seen enough friends get maimed by some DBag late for his yoga class to be very aware, but I still got nearly wasted just a few months ago. The worst part is the car drivers attitude, like, get off my road, you’re not putting off enough pollution from an internal combustion engine to be my equal. Not enough poundage of  metal, buddy. The dude that nearly smoked me just kept driving. I ran after him screaming colorful expletives, but I still wish I’d had the presence of mind to get back on my bike.

6. Listen to KGNU

KGNU is your guide post to Boulder, and what folks around here are thinking and listening to. Whatever your idea of our sophistication, you may be suprised. And let me add this caveat: it’s weird a lot of the time, in terms of discourse and even music. We like it that way. In addition, listening in the afternoon and early evening  to shows like Democracy Now will provide you with more reasons to stop being such a republican.

 7. Get a medical marijuana card

Getting "medicated"

This is easily the most current, up to date way you can become a Boulder Colorado regular. Get yourself a medical marijuana card! I’m sure you have a medical condition worthy of one. Glaucoma? Chronic pain? Bad case of the AIDS? Or maybe migraine headaches. Or maybe a pain in your ass, from scoring weed like normal people used to, on the black market? Just kidding, everyone is doing it! Just try to come up with a legitamite excuse-it’s not cool to just got get one because you want to smoke more ghanja. You need acne, or rickets, or some other serious medical condition, OK? At least on paper.

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You’ve been waiting for it and here it is. A guide to the most elite form of recreational sports know to Boulderites- dating each other. If you should find yourself alone in the city, don’t freak out, there are a few things you can do. To simplify it for you, I have divided the rest of this guide into 2 sections, one for men, and one for women. The women’s section is more like a guide to putting up with my quirks, if you happen to be dating me.  I plan on reccommending this reading to all my future girlfriends. In fact, I dedicate this to all of you.

Boulder Colorado Dating Manual for Men

As a man in Boulder, I am amazed at the possibilities. There are amazing women here, at least by appearance. other stuff, too. However, I have found there is an aloofness to everyone here, a sort of ” whatever dude I’m saying home tonight to wash my hair with organic shampoo and then I’m going to finish building the spaceship in my back yard” attitude. That’s cool, I appreciate you have to be an overachiever or a trust fund baby to live here, but is there a  connection we miss with our coolness?

How to break through?

Does anyone have a light for my medical marijuana cigarette?

Here’s another problem- many of the women I personally would like to get my hands on, are either 1)taken or 2)are in college. Now there’s nothing wrong with college girls, except for the girl part. If you want to date girls, or you are under 30, this isn’t for you. College- aged girls in this town tend to be too high maintenance for a guy like me, who has no money to compete with Daddy. The only thing I could hope to use to my advantage would be my good looks (hah!) and my witty charm (let’s face it that’s all I got). But the prize? The Golden Fleece? Loses it sparkle after the first few weeks. For you , Biff or Bradley, but not for me.

The good women at my age are married. That’s what the women say about the men, as well. Which begs the question,

I never promised you a rose garden...

why am I pushing 40 and not hitched? Because I’ve already been down matrimony lane. It was a dark road for me, save the appearance of my children. In my opinion people shouldn’t get married, unless they are fully prepared to deal with the soul-grinding process ahead. I realize that’s not how it is for everyone, but my judgement is that my friends who are still married have managed to stay that way through one single quality- endurance. And not the kind where you can party and make love until dawn, but the kind where you can smile through a good waterboarding or repeated kicks to the nutsack.

Don't come any closer, mister

So then what I am left with as far as a dating pool goes is this- 30 somethings who can’t commit to other human beings, and 30 somethings with kids who can’t commit to other human being, except their kids. I prefer the former, but the heartbreak is much worse, because there is so much promise, so much potential with an unseeded womb. A man like me starts thinking, “hmmm, maybe i could go again…”, faced with such untrammeled genetics, just bustling with fertility. Then the angel on my shoulder squashes the crazy bug in my ear. Then I hear a voice, out of the darkness, that says “catch and release, my boy, catch and release…”

So dating in Boulder, where was I? Oh yah, here’s the advice part- DON’T DO IT. Or if you do, don’t let the woman you are dating know about it. Treat it like something you were going to do anyway. Ask her to go for a hike with you, somewhere public and unsecluded, so she starts to build trust up for you. Trust is an absolutely crucial part of any relationship or sexual campaign. Trust me. The key is to come of NONCHALANT. Boy, I can’t believe I am giving away my secrets. Be aware, non-chalance by itself will get you nowhere. You have to let her know  you’re interested, but not why, and not how much. Desperation, my friends, is not an aphrodisaic.

But you are desperate, you say? You’re last girlfriend left you in a heap, with the bill, in a pickle, or stranded at the drive-in? Ran off with someone with a bigger wallet or nicer SUV? Found her true love is the Buddha, or at least that guy in her meditation class? Don’t despair. Take action steps, my friend. As a blog writer, I am a big fan of action steps (or at least writing about them). Here you go.

Om Namaste, much gratitude for spandex

First, go to a yoga class. If you’ve been single for a long time, you might want to clean the plumbing first, or it’s going to be painful. These classes are all women. And savy guys pretending they like twisting themselves up like pretzels.  Next, don’t ask any girls out at yoga class. This is a no-no. It’s only important at this point that you GO to a yoga class. Next step- approach a woman you like, regardless of how sculpted her buns are, and ask her if you recognize her from your yoga class. Of course you don’t, but that doesn’t matter right now. She responds with suprise, because after all you have a penis, and probably aren’t that interested in tucking your tummy, or you wouldn’t be reading this, you would at your weekly knitting circle, lady boy. Ah sexism, the belief that the sexes exist, and are different. Refreshing, isn’t it?

If this doesn’t work, I will be back with more dating tips in the future. Oh, I nearly forgot. I promised a section for women.

Dating tips for Women in Boulder Colorado

Here they are, the juicy tips you have been waiting for. Say you want to date a sensitive, new age guy (who say, does yoga or something less spandex-related, like tai chi), who also can fix things around the house, haul your sculpted booty up a cliff, beat off a wild dog attack, raise your kundalini (but not your kids), and be the token person with a penis in your life. You are lucky, only one action step. Here it is: pick up your cell phone and call 720-317-9652. That’s my phone number. Leave your references and a picture of you cleaning the house or doing the dishes.

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Since I have taken to lambasting Boulder, I also strive to provide something positive, to balance the yin and yang, the critisism and the appreciation. Ways that Boulder doesn’t suck, ways we can improve our experience here, are a foundation to build a truly healthy culture. Isn’t that what Boulder is really about? Besides, you really have to excell to be listed in here. Among the True, the Brave, the Elite…ah, ahem.

Tasty!

1. The Outdoors is close  As it’s saving grace, Boulder is surrounded by absolutely beautiful open space and National Forest which provide opportunities for playing in the wilderness. From rock climbing to hiking to paragliding, tubing down the Boulder Creek in the summer, riding the snow up at Eldora Mountain (their slogan is “friends don’t let friends drive I-70″) in the winter, we’ve got alot of options for enjoying the outdoors. Eldorado Canyon, 15 minutes to the South, offers some of the best climbing in the world coupled with unreal vistas of the red, green, yellow and purple rocks and the Continental Divide as a backdrop. Boulder Canyon, on the way up to Nederland, has numerous opportunites for outdoor enthusiasts, including fishing, kayaking, and more world class rock climbing on flawless 10 billion year old granite.

A cup of love

2. Coffee shops that don’t suck  The Laughing Goat doesn’t suck, except when the key clicking locusts swarm and drive the band width to nada. Still, it’s fine to veg out, stare at all the beautiful freaks, and even order up a pabst blue ribbon tall boy if your computer is unusable. In my opinion, this place is the closest we will ever get to a replacement for Penny Lane. Some of the same folks from back in the day at the Lane work now at the Goat. Respect. Up on the hill in North Boulder is Logan’s, which is a very non-pretentious place to get an excellent cup. The baristas here will actually be nice to you, maybe making a heart design in the foam of your latte and telling you its full of love. I still hold some nostalgia for the Trident, where I first sat and wrote in my hitch-hiking journal an entry about Boulder’s genetically high percentile breeding possibilites. But this place is the epitome of Boulder, that is an elitist coffee shop. Enjoy the attached psuedo spiritual bookstore and the sharpest tounged baristas in town. Ask for the giant jade and banana backgammon set behind the counter in the bookstore. Live large, just like Boulder.

Why Not?

3. Alternatives Vehicles  To give credit where it is due, people do drive a fair number of alternative vehicles here in Boulder, enough that there are places to plug in your electric car along Pearl St. When BushII started the second oil war, I bought a Volkswagen TDI, through which I ran pure Bio-diesel fuel. It felt good to divest myself one level from the problem of demand for pertroleum products, which is plundering the deepest resources of the planet we live on. The constant sensation of being at a Chinese restaurant notwithstanding. Boulder is one of the only places in the nation with really good access to Biodiesel, which could save our country billions if the oil industry lobby wasn’t so strong.

Not Recommended

4. Alteratives to Driving  We also have some 200 miles of beautiful bike paths in Boulder that criss-cross the city. They are also used by pedestrians, kids, dogs and old ladies, so all you gaily dressed road bikers stay on the road OK? Another fact- a small bell to ring as a warning goes a long way toward not maiming someone, as does simply paying attention. In Boulder we have pretty good bike lanes on the roads, which help keep the deaths and dismemberments to a minimum there.  Just don’t have a few too many and go biking around, the cops here are famous for issuing BWI’s- Biking While Intoxicated. Really, I’m not kidding. These days you need a horse to really go out drinking. Or take the bus I guess, because Boulder really does have somewhat of a decent bus system, where you are bound to meet some new friends. Watch your behavior, there are cameras!

5. Access to high quality Alternative Medicine  Boulder is a mecca for all manners of alternative health care, from the licensed to the dubious. In Boulder, if you do have the duckets, there are many options. There are even some compassionate buddhist type healers here who will offer a sliding scale and a number of good options with low-cost community medicine. You can choose from a gamut of services available here in Boulder. One of my favorites are Acutonics, a system of healing derived from Chinese Medicine and astrology using specially calibrated tuning forks, Tibetan bowls, and gongs, to harmonize your “vibration” with that of the stars and planets in your astrological chart. I am also quite an acupuncture junkie, and there are a fine variety of practitioners in this town. Two I can strongly recommend are Boulder Chinese Medicine, and Boulder Nutrition. There are as many alternative therapies in this town as a dragon has scales. Don’t limit yourself, try a colonic, or get hypnotized, or rofled, or have your chakras realigned. If you want, there is even a practitioner who specializes in cranial rectal therapy (CRT). This therapy in specific can help if your head is stuck too far up your ass. There is usually a line down the street.

6. Naropa University  and other options for higher consciousness Naropa is an amazing small college that continues to produce brilliant writers and therapists, among others. It was founded by Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, a controversial Tibetan lama who stepped away from the monastic lifestyle (an understatement) in order to make the teachings of his tradition more widely available. Each summer, Naropa hosts a writing program which is attended by writers from around the world. Their writing school, the Jack Kerouac School of Disembodied Poetics, was founded by noted beat generation poets Allen Ginsburg and Anne Waldman. All the students at Naropa are required to meditate, which keeps the already hippyed-out vibe even mellower. Incidentally, they will teach you to meditate for free, if you need instruction. Boulder has “traditionally” been a nexus for the spiritually over-developed. Seriously though, there are many options for those enclined to navel-gaze.

7.  Access to high quality public education  Well, the education is high quality, and you have access to it, basically. That is, you need to win a place for your child in the lottery. That’s right, Charles Darwin and Shirley Jackson met in a coffeeshop in Boulder and then went for a hike in the flatirons and then had sex, and their bastard love child is the BVSD. But if you do have good luck, your kids can go to school at the finest in alternative indoctination-stations. Perhaps you detect a note of sarcasm. Yes, it’ s personal. I detest all institutions of “learning”. Professor Skinner, Mr. Hand, you can kiss my ass. All of that notwithstanding, Boulder is as good as California when it comes to schooling.

8. OK everyone is pretty nice to look at  Damn. Good breeding just is. Is like the cover and contents of cosmo, which to me, you guessed it, sucks. It’s hard to be man in Boulder, whether you are a SNAG (sensitive new age guy), or polically erect like me. It’s like all the best looking mothers and fathers around the world had a simultaneous lapse of reasoning and sent their daughters to CU. Like they forgot it was a party school.

9.The  weather is perfect! No more need be said. The weather in Boulder Colorado is perfect. At exactly the equinoxes or solstices, the weather changes to the appropriate seaonal variation on sun and blue sky. We have over 300 days where ther is more sun than cloud, though, so don’t think you’re in for a mountain winter by moving to Boulder. In fact, don’t move to Boulder, it sucks.

10.It’s a great place to raise children Again, you may detect a note of subtle sarcasm. What really is a “good child”? I would say it is a young person who has found a purpose and a mission in the world that serves the greater community,as well as actualizing their own inner potential.

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In the everlong battle of appearance vs. reality, Boulder, Colorado wins on the appearance side, just like Jon Benet used to win beauty pageants. Just like no one knew Morc was from Orc. Things are not as they seem.

Balancing the Yin and Yang in Boulder, Colorado

Lovely looking, fit people all around, pyramid shaped 2000 foot cliffs as a backdrop- but in reality, there is something rotten underneath the veneer. Like all places thought of as paradise in one way or another, darkness lurks in hidden places. The play of dark and light doesn’t always invoke laughter, although it is a means of survival here, for things that could “only happen in Boulder”. Because I am a Boulderite, I am essentially not seperate from that which I mock, so I am guilty as everyone else here is charged. This is meant to be social satire, not anything hateful. By poking fun  hope to stimulate conversation about how we can collectively improve our city. In the future I intend to explore ways that Boulder doesn’t suck, ways we can improve our experience here, and build a truly healthy culture. Isn’t that what Boulder is really about?

Darling, I hope you double parked the Audi...

1. Elitism When I travel to other parts of Colorado, people inevitably ask me where I am from. I find myself nervously shuffling my feet and staring at the floor, then launching into a lengthy explanation about why I am stuck in Boulder. Why would I be embarassed? Boulder has great places to shop and eat  that only half the population or people from out of town can afford.  Boulder has beautiful homes to live in, if you are 2 people both pulling in 6 digit salaries. Boulder has great parks and open spaces, but time is money here, and you’re gonna have to come up with some money if you want to have the time. In Boulder, we are bringing back segregation. Lower income folks, like Spanish- speaking immigrants, can only afford to live in a certain “ghetto” region of the city. There is even a gang now, named after the place where many of the Mexican immigrants live, 34th Street.

The average price of a single family dwelling in the city is $411, 500, about double the rest of Colorado. For number fans, the folks at  Homegain.com have provided Boulder’s full demographic . At the end of the day, the highway out of Boulder headed for Denver is jammed. Lots of folks are able to afford to work here, and then drive bumper to bumper back into the big city for a little R&R. To live in Boulder, you need a trust fund plus a dream job. Then, after your 60 hour workweek, you can enjoy the lifestyle! 

You want me to make you WHAT?!?

2.Lame coffee shops and pretentious restaurants I mean, come on people. This over-worked and over-exercised crowd needs also to be over-caffienated if it is to make it to its noon yoga class. This town should have the best caffeine portals in the Universe, especially if you take into the account the tremendous entreuprenerial spirit here, that is over educated CU students who need to make a buck after mom and dads tuition drip gets severed. Instead we get plastic tables and someone’s “impressionist” art, my impression of which is ”Wow, a butterfly farting a rainbow. How brilliant.” As an additional warning, we get SURLY baristas here. It’s clear that the customer always comes last, after the conversation, the music adjustment, the text message, and the vacant stare into space. If you happen to be a hetrosexual male, though, there’s always eye candy. Wear expensive clothing and carry a few benjamins in your wallet, which you conspiculously count while waiting for your hippie half-caf why bother chai latte and I bet you get a different kind of look from Bethany or Holly.

Bula Ballbricker returns!

3. Overweight and Cognitively Challenged Police Force Being that Boulder Colorado is a town brimming full of tri-atheletes and PhD’s, the cops should have to pass a physical and mental aptitude exam. Instead, they seem to be hand picked from the farms of Nebraska. Over the last 15 years I can’t tell you how many negative interactions I’ve had with Boulder’s finest. The only real reason they are here is to put drunken college kids to bed safely before they hurt themselves, and to ticket people trying to run their dog in the woods (it happened to me, really). It’s mainly the bull dyke ones you have to watch out for, as they stand there fingering their tasers and asking you in a surly voice ”why you eyeballing me, boy”? Sorry, I just haven’t seen anyone so fat in Boulder in a while. You got the extra heavy duty shocks on that impala or what, officer Bertha?  Tellingly, a recent study points to the fact that you are much more likely to be shot by an overweight cop if you run.

Could someone please climb into this car and accelerate rapidly?

4. Audi Driving Yuppies To be fair, yuppies also drive other vehicles, and nice people occasionally own Audis. My neighbor Kate proves the exception. However, there is something special about this archetypal breed. Living here for the last 15 years, I have seen enough to make a judgement. A guy I know calls AUDI the Asshole Urban Driving Invention. In Boulder the rule is this: take your relative spiritual aptitude score (RSAS) and multiply it by the square feet of your home, add a raspberry latte and a handful of goji berries, then divide by your years of post graduate education and multiply it by the number of kids you have, and you are left with the speed your Audi needs to reach before it can get around town faster than everyone else. The number of times I’ve almost been run over (even while in my vehicle) by these fuckers is overwhelming. And it’s not just the Audi’s association with Adolf Hitler and the Nazi party. Ok, maybe it is that. I wonder how many Jewish folks out there know they’re driving around in a holocaust-wagon? At my sons school, I backed into some bitch in an Audi who wouldn’t get off her cell phone and stop parking me in, and she actually called the police about it, even thought there was no damage or sign of a collision. The judge in the municipal court and I had a good laugh about it before he dismissed the charge.

How dare he flip me off?

5. Psycho- Parenting This one fits in nicely with 1.Elitism. If we are to live as the Economic God’s chosen people, in the chosen land of chai tea and goji berry, we must have perfect children. They are after all our trophies, another way to look good in a town obsessed with itself. NoBoMo’s (North Boulder Moms) are a sub-set of the species to be sure. Convinced they are on a mission from God, and their obnoxious progeny are the chosen few, they will not hesitate to run you over in the parking lot on the way to their 3 year olds core power yoga class. To be a politically correct boulder parent, by the way, you need to drive a Toyota Prius with the following bumper stickers: ”Co-Exist”, “My child is the blah-blah-blah of the month…”, ”Visualize world peace” ,and of course “Mama for Obama” or some variation. I think we could all co-exist better if these folks would visualize using their turn signal, and PLEASE hang up the phone and quit multi-tasking behind the wheel. You can make that face-lift appointment later. And your children are little monsters.

"Water pistol man, full of ammunition, putting out fires on a world wide mission..." -M. Franti

6.Environmental Hypocrisy Does anyone remember when the Boulder City Council sued the REST OF THE WORLD for the pollution THEY were creating? This pretty much says it all. Sure, Boulder makes a show of testing cars for their emmisions, but I have never had a vehicle fail in 18 years. Even my 1973 Toyota Chinook, which must have put out more toxic emmisions than a Burrito party on 34th Street. I’m sure that it does provide a nice source of income for the city, but lets call a spade a spade. Did the dark brown cloud that hangs over Boulder drift here from other parts of the world, like Texas? It seems more likely that it’s from the over-population of gas guzzling SUV’s, or the chemicals released from burning couches on the hill, or perhaps the coal burning plant that supplies most of Boulder’s electricity.

What I learned at CU

7. Spoiled Rotten College Students For years the police have had a problem on University Hill with burning couches, and we boulderites get to reap the comic rewards of the gown/clown interactions that ensue. These students awho are setting couches on fire are mad as hell. They are upset that they spent the first installment of their trust fund, and to protest, they are going to RIOT, man. Better watch out. These kids grew up on the mean streets of suburban gated communities.

Another Gown/ Clown Confrontation

My friend told me the other day he saw 2 hippie looking kids with CU stickers on their out-of-state Saab, complete with expensive snowboards on the roof rack, get out of their car, walk 2 blocks and start panhandling. DUDE don’t you know the Cornhole Mountain Boys are playing Redrocks an extra night??!? I NEED a ticket. My credit card is maxed from partying at the overpriced bars in Boulder, and besides, the world is my gravy train, BRO.

Parking in Boulder

8. Bad traffic and Worse Parking If you are visiting Boulder and want to park your car, do so with caution. First off, our “parking system” is designed to make extra money from you. If your parking receipt expires, you can’t feed the meter, you need to buy another one. And another word of caution, if your parking receipt happens to expire, you will be ticketed quicker than a dog without a leash. The parking nazis hide in the bushes, waiting, waiting.

It used to be OK to walk down the street in Boulder, but not anymore. The other day I was nearly run over by a man talking on the cell phone to his guru, late for his yoga class. I routinely get almost hit on my bike all the time. I am afraid for my kids to cross the intersection by my apartment. I was cut off last week by CU students who didn’t even stop to see if I was OK- I guess judging by the way I was screaming and gesturing and running down the middle of the highway they may have surmised I was.

Buy local, and drive corporate butt pirates out of Boulder

9. Gentrification/Corporatization and Californication

Remember Ideal Market before it got taken over by assWhole Foods? It was a cool place to shop, and the people that worked there, I felt like I knew them. Not that I don’t still shop there occasionally by mistake, it’s just that I resent the intrusion of large corporate entities in what used to be a family run town. Boulder Book Store, which doesn’t suck at all, and has managed to resist the onslaught of Barnes and Noble and Borders, and has had a campaign for years to psychologically oppose this homogenizing trend known as Keep Boulder Weird. Visit this site for other great things about Boulder that celebrate our willingness to let our hair down and be freaky. Please join them, and act accordingly! There is a deep tradition in this town that is being lost. For the sake of all we hold holy, support local businesses when at all possible, and don’t be afraid of your inner freak.

Boulder used to be all about tai chi, now it's all about chai tea...

10. All the Cool People Have Moved Out Acting like the 100 year flood of cluster-fuck-ation was coming imminently down Boulder Canyon, the real residents of Boulder have already departed. These days you see the laid-back and hipster ex-residents of Boulder headed out of town to live in satelites like Louisville, Lyons, Nederland, and Eldorado Springs (notice I did not say Longmont). If it wasn’t the high rent, the bad traffic and air pollution, the proliferation of armed police doling out tickets to unleashed dog owners running on mountain trails, then it was just a natural outcome of the flood of culture from Calfornia. Mickey Mouse has grown into a 100 foot tall demon with dripping fangs, and he is coming to rape your cultural diversity into one, great homogeneous strip mall from hell. Heads up, dude.

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