You’ve been waiting for it and here it is. A guide to the most elite form of recreational sports know to Boulderites- dating each other. If you should find yourself alone in the city, don’t freak out, there are a few things you can do. To simplify it for you, I have divided the rest of this guide into 2 sections, one for men, and one for women. The women’s section is more like a guide to putting up with my quirks, if you happen to be dating me.  I plan on reccommending this reading to all my future girlfriends. In fact, I dedicate this to all of you.

Boulder Colorado Dating Manual for Men

As a man in Boulder, I am amazed at the possibilities. There are amazing women here, at least by appearance. other stuff, too. However, I have found there is an aloofness to everyone here, a sort of ” whatever dude I’m saying home tonight to wash my hair with organic shampoo and then I’m going to finish building the spaceship in my back yard” attitude. That’s cool, I appreciate you have to be an overachiever or a trust fund baby to live here, but is there a  connection we miss with our coolness?

How to break through?

Here’s another problem- many of the women I personally would like to get my hands on, are either 1)taken or 2)are in college. Now there’s nothing wrong with college girls, except for the girl part. If you want to date girls, or you are under 30, this isn’t for you. College- aged girls in this town tend to be too high maintenance for a guy like me, who has no money to compete with Daddy. The only thing I could hope to use to my advantage would be my good looks (hah!) and my witty charm (let’s face it that’s all I got). But the prize? The Golden Fleece? Loses it sparkle after the first few weeks. For you , Biff or Bradley, but not for me.

The good women at my age are married. That’s what the women say about the men, as well. Which begs the question,

why am I pushing 40 and not hitched? Because I’ve already been down matrimony lane. It was a dark road for me, save the appearance of my children. In my opinion people shouldn’t get married, unless they are fully prepared to deal with the soul-grinding process ahead. I realize that’s not how it is for everyone, but my judgement is that my friends who are still married have managed to stay that way through one single quality- endurance. And not the kind where you can party and make love until dawn, but the kind where you can smile through a good waterboarding or repeated kicks to the nutsack.

So then what I am left with as far as a dating pool goes is this- 30 somethings who can’t commit to other human beings, and 30 somethings with kids who can’t commit to other human being, except their kids. I prefer the former, but the heartbreak is much worse, because there is so much promise, so much potential with an unseeded womb. A man like me starts thinking, “hmmm, maybe i could go again…”, faced with such untrammeled genetics, just bustling with fertility. Then the angel on my shoulder squashes the crazy bug in my ear. Then I hear a voice, out of the darkness, that says “catch and release, my boy, catch and release…”

So dating in Boulder, where was I? Oh yah, here’s the advice part- DON’T DO IT. Or if you do, don’t let the woman you are dating know about it. Treat it like something you were going to do anyway. Ask her to go for a hike with you, somewhere public and unsecluded, so she starts to build trust up for you. Trust is an absolutely crucial part of any relationship or sexual campaign. Trust me. The key is to come of NONCHALANT. Boy, I can’t believe I am giving away my secrets. Be aware, non-chalance by itself will get you nowhere. You have to let her know  you’re interested, but not why, and not how much. Desperation, my friends, is not an aphrodisaic.

But you are desperate, you say? You’re last girlfriend left you in a heap, with the bill, in a pickle, or stranded at the drive-in? Ran off with someone with a bigger wallet or nicer SUV? Found her true love is the Buddha, or at least that guy in her meditation class? Don’t despair. Take action steps, my friend. As a blog writer, I am a big fan of action steps (or at least writing about them). Here you go.

First, go to a yoga class. If you’ve been single for a long time, you might want to clean the plumbing first, or it’s going to be painful. These classes are all women. And savy guys pretending they like twisting themselves up like pretzels.  Next, don’t ask any girls out at yoga class. This is a no-no. It’s only important at this point that you GO to a yoga class. Next step- approach a woman you like, regardless of how sculpted her buns are, and ask her if you recognize her from your yoga class. Of course you don’t, but that doesn’t matter right now. She responds with suprise, because after all you have a penis, and probably aren’t that interested in tucking your tummy, or you wouldn’t be reading this, you would at your weekly knitting circle, lady boy. Ah sexism, the belief that the sexes exist, and are different. Refreshing, isn’t it?

If this doesn’t work, I will be back with more dating tips in the future. Oh, I nearly forgot. I promised a section for women.

Dating tips for Women in Boulder Colorado

Here they are, the juicy tips you have been waiting for. Say you want to date a sensitive, new age guy (who say, does yoga or something less spandex-related, like tai chi), who also can fix things around the house, haul your sculpted booty up a cliff, beat off a wild dog attack, raise your kundalini (but not your kids), and be the token person with a penis in your life. You are lucky, only one action step. Here it is: pick up your cell phone and call 720-317-9652. That’s my phone number. Leave your references and a picture of you cleaning the house or doing the dishes.

Posted on January 11, 2010 at 3:52 pm
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Categorised under : Dating in Boulder , Life in Boulder
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