A Boulder Primer- How to Fit In, for Out of Towners
May 9, 2010admin 1 Comment »It is my belief that all persons re-locating to the city of Boulder, Colorado from “elsewhere” should be required to take a battery of tests to determine their eligibility for living here. I have gone to the trouble to create a list of requirements for you out-of-towners, out of my infinite compassion for your situation. Don’t take this lightly, it’s a serious boulder survival guide. Not heeding my words could cause your ruin, a flat tire on your audi, or deportation back to California.
1. Take a Colorado winter driving course
Anyone who wants to move here from another state, especially one south of the old mason-dixon line (California, among others), should take a winter driving course. Those of us who know how to drive in the snow and ice are annoyed as hell when you pull out in front of us in your mini-van, going like 4 miles and hour. It’s actually a very dangerous situation, needing to apply the brakes quickly in snow conditions. I should inform you that some of us have had titanium brush gaurds and cement bumpers installed on our vehicles, just to “protect ourselves”.
2. Quit the Republican Party
Even though boulder is known as the “people’s republic”, we don’t need any more republicans. Go tea bag yourselves elsewhere. Longmont will have you. We are attempting, at least, to move away from the narcissistic, self serving culture we live in. And stop dissing Obama just because he is trying to change all the shitty things about this country, like poverty and poor accountability. He sucks way less than you do, or your dumb-ass Governator, or your criminally dipshit poster-girl Sarah Palin. As illustrated on the left, McCain has 7 houses, 13 cars, and a plane. Obama has a house, a car, and a fucking bicycle. Represent.
“Live simply so that other may simply live”. -Somebody Wise
3. Learn to Meditate
I'm not such an asshole. I am not such an asshole. Om.
This is a perfect one for you if you are moving here from a fast paced environment like, say, California. California used to be like Colorado was 20 years ago, about 50 years ago. Manifest destiny has seemingly bounced off the Pacific ocean and rebounded upon the rocky mountains as waves of chaff. Boulder made its reputation on a place to meditate, to get away from the fast paced lifestyle. Now it is becoming fast paced. It’s impossible to get where you’re going faster. You might be able to get there better, though. Chillax. At the Boulder Shambala Center, they provide open meditation free to the public every day of the week.
4. Learn to Climb Rocks, Snowboard, Paraglide or Something!
My buddy Marc, on a belay ledge high above Boulder...
My buddy Marc, on a belay ledge high above Boulder...
If you are going to benefit from Boulder, Colorado in any real, deep ecology way, you need to learn to interact with the environment when it is extreme. If you keep facing it on your own terms, you will never get the point. Adventure means to step outside of your normal limits. If you choose rock climbing, say, get a good mountain guide, or preferably have a friend who’s been at it for a while. . To learn to climb, call my friends over at Boulder Rock Club, or just drop in. You can get awesome snowboard instruction at Eldora, our local ski hill. Paragliding is a little more involved, but not much. Have at it!
5. Make way for bike riders and other alternative transit oddities
You need to learn that the bike paths on the side of the road are an indication to drivers that they are in fact sharing the road with bikers. I have seen enough friends get maimed by some DBag late for his yoga class to be very aware, but I still got nearly wasted just a few months ago. The worst part is the car drivers attitude, like, get off my road, you’re not putting off enough pollution from an internal combustion engine to be my equal. Not enough poundage of metal, buddy. The dude that nearly smoked me just kept driving. I ran after him screaming colorful expletives, but I still wish I’d had the presence of mind to get back on my bike.
6. Listen to KGNU
KGNU is your guide post to Boulder, and what folks around here are thinking and listening to. Whatever your idea of our sophistication, you may be suprised. And let me add this caveat: it’s weird a lot of the time, in terms of discourse and even music. We like it that way. In addition, listening in the afternoon and early evening to shows like Democracy Now will provide you with more reasons to stop being such a republican.
7. Get a medical marijuana card
Getting "medicated"
This is easily the most current, up to date way you can become a Boulder Colorado regular. Get yourself a medical marijuana card! I’m sure you have a medical condition worthy of one. Glaucoma? Chronic pain? Bad case of the AIDS? Or maybe migraine headaches. Or maybe a pain in your ass, from scoring weed like normal people used to, on the black market? Just kidding, everyone is doing it! Just try to come up with a legitamite excuse-it’s not cool to just got get one because you want to smoke more ghanja. You need acne, or rickets, or some other serious medical condition, OK? At least on paper.
May 9th, 2010 at 6:36 pm
having moved from toledo i can say with all certainty that coloradan’s are among the worst winter drivers anywhere. since the snow doesn’t stay on the roads for long drivers never seem to get their “snow wheels” on. in fact, this state has the worst overall driving i’ve seen in any of the states i’ve traveled…
i would love it if folks would take up your suggestion though!!!